I missed last month. But I’m just gonna keep on going with writing to you each month this year.
I was sitting on my bed the other afternoon with you. Oliver was sleeping. Eli, Alden & Lucy were all at school. It was a quiet little time. In the beginning I was just wishing you’d go to sleep. I was tired and wanted to sleep myself. But I tried to change my attitude and enjoy my alone time with you. Since you are baby number 5, it seems just me and you time is harder and harder to get. Half the time I am breastfeeding you, Oliver is trying to climb up too. Or I am quickly trying to feed you under a blanket in the car at the grocery store or a soccer game. Not exactly the relaxing one on one time that most of the other kids got.
But this afternoon the house was quiet and my bedroom was filled with soft, afternoon light. And I laid with you on my bed and just took you in. I enjoyed your little facial expressions, the way you wave your arms (to me it looks like you are leading music), the little notes in your voice (perhaps the singing to that music?). I was just loving you. And it was so nice. It filled up my overwhelmed over tired momma heart.
I love that you laugh now. It is my favorite. You are seriously SO ticklish. Sometimes when I am trying to change you quickly because of the spit up (I seem to always smell like spit up lately) and I take off your shirt you giggle because my hand brushed your side. You are THAT ticklish. Every time it stops me in my tracks to smile at you and enjoy that little giggle. I think it’s a little tender mercy from Heavenly Father. It seems like a small thing but it brings me such joy. Little moments when I know we are connecting with each other. I love the way you look at me too. With complete adoration. Lately I’ve been feeling worried about if I am raising you and your siblings right. If I am adequately preparing you for all that this big old world is going to throw at you. But when you look at me with such love in your eyes, I am filled up. My cup runneth over, as some say.
You know I’d really like it if you started sleeping more. I mean, you are doing better. But frankly you had no where to go but better. But I’m kinda feeling over the every 3.5 hours. Can we get one of those 11 hours? Alden used to do that. And it was AWESOME. I am so glad you decided to go for the soother. You wouldn’t take it and so I gave up. But then I tried again close to 3 months and low and behold you took it. It was strange. And SO awesome! I am sooo glad. It makes putting you to bed so much easier. And now I can hold you off sometimes to feed. That was another tender mercy and I’m grateful.
You are so willing to let anyone hold you. You are just happy someone has you. You love to look and smile at everyone and anyone. I have caught the other kids stopping to talk to you when you are laying on the floor so many times. You stop them with your smile. Just like you do to me and others. It is a lovely little gift. My mom always told me I was like that as a baby too. I feel like I am starting to understand your cues better. Knowing when you are tired or hungry or just that you want some attention. That is making things easier too.
I love you little one. Even though I am scatter brained and over whelmed and over tired, I love you so much. I am enjoying you. I hope you’ll always know I love you more than I can explain.